Detox: Week 5

Monday: noticed my pants getting looser and looser...this could be due to the fact that either i need to wash them...or my butt is getting undeniably smaller...
Tuesday: tried looking at my butt in the mirror from various angles to verify its shrinkage. threw my neck out.
Wednesday: watched everyone at staff meeting eat a strawberry cake to celebrate february birthdays. felt grossed out by all the sugar they were eating. felt very self-righteous. felt my stomach growl. reminded myself that i don't even like strawberry cake in the first place. felt ambivalent.
Thursday: nothing significant to report. noticed this is not the first time nothing significant has happened on a thursday. wondered if i spend most thursdays in some sort of dissociated state...
Friday: met with my nutritionist for my 5 week weigh in. the results are a follows:
  
     right thigh: lost 1 inch
     left thigh: lost 1 inch
     hips: lost 1 1/2 inches
     waist: lost 2 inches
     current weight: 110...for a weight loss total of 6 pounds.
     emotional state: pissed off that after ALL the eating and weight
        lifting i've done, i LOST weight.

i think my nutritionist FINALLY believes me when i say that i have a hard time gaining weight. let's face it, i have a hard time just maintaining my weight without accidentally losing some every once and a while. she could tell i was pissed. i tried to use i statements in attempts to not blame her for the loss of 6 very precious pounds:

Me: I feel really frustrated that after all this work, i lost weight.
Nutritionist: (irritatingly energetic) Well, girl, we'll just need you to eat MORE!!!!!
Me: I am sick of eating. I already feel like it's a part time job.
Nutritionist: Well, do you have any suggestions??!!!
Me: I would like to eat chocolate milkshakes...and french fries...and peppermint Joe Joe's from Trader Joe's.
Nutritionist: Nope!!!!! We're gonna give you more PROTEIN, more CARBS, and i'll let you have dairy a WHOLE WEEK EARLY!!!!!!!!
Me: (i feel like strangling you)...would a chocolate shake count as a serving of dairy?
Nutritionist: Nope!!!!!
Me: i hate this.

So...more protein, double the carbs and add one serving of dairy each day. If that doesn't add some weight by the next weigh-in, she is going to put me on the same meal plan she puts men on for my body type. awesome.

Saturday: went to a cupcake decorating class...complete with cream cheese icing. contemplated eating a cupcake just to stick it to my nutritionist. worried about the sugar spike and crash that would inevitably follow eating that much sugar after going 5 weeks without it. drank a lot of champagne instead.
Sunday: ate, ate, ate, ate, ate....watched Anne Hathaway make a COMPLETE fool of herself hosting the Oscars. felt very self righteous. reminded myself that i never really liked Anne Hathaway in the first place. felt a little bit better.

until next week,

tlk

Kids say the darndest things: #3

Kid: do you know who invented homework?
Me: ...i think it was a teacher who lived a long time ago.
Kid: i really wish i knew who it was.
Me: what would you do if you knew?
Kid: well, i'd get my dad to drive me to her house. then i'd shoot her.
Me: wow. you really don't like homework.
Kid: yep.

Kid: Do you know if owls live in Savannah?

Me: Georgia?
Kid: no silly, in Africa!
Me: hmmm...honestly, i have no idea if owls live in Savannah, Africa.
Kid: i'll ask my dad.

Detox: Week 4

Monday: treated myself to a new haircut to compliment my new-ish body. i have to say, i feel pretty fabulous. AND i didn't eat one single piece of valentine's candy given to me throughout the day. miracles do happen.
Tuesday: went to dinner at Sonic with a group from work. in spite of multiple eyes rolled, i asked everyone at the table to describe (in great detail) what they had ordered...down to the hamburger toppings. then i salivated for approximately 30 minutes, non-stop.
Wednesday: noticed that multiple pairs of pants were baggy...hmmm...the whole point of this meal plan was to GAIN weight. i'm trying to tell myself that my body is getting lean...and that i don't really need to eat french fries and milkshakes in order to gain weight. but i'm gonna need to double check that with my nutritionist.
Thursday: nothing significant to report.
Friday: talked with a friend who sees the same nutritionist. she told me that the meal plan allows for 4 oz of red wine each day. this would have been wonderful news, except the fact that red wine turns my colon into a raging inferno. maybe i could have 4 oz of tequila/day instead. probably should run this by my nutritionist as well.
Saturday: while wandering the aisles at Trader Joe's looking for a particular meat item, an incredibly attractive Trader Joe's worker dude (IATJWD) came up to me and asked if I needed help with anything:

Me: Yes! I need help finding your sausage.
IATJWD: ...(pause)......(blink)......(pause)...
Me: (oh jeez)
IATJWD: ...(blush)......(pause)...
Me: you know, the chicken sausage with spinach and roasted garlic inside of it.
IATJWD: oh yeah! sure. that's in the refrigerated meat section. follow me; i'll show you.

we chatted for a few minutes and he told me all the different ways that he has "prepared the sausage". i barely held it together enough to speak properly. when he asked if i needed help getting a shopping cart, i thanked him, told him i already had one, and quickly scampered off. it was ALMOST as embarrassing as the time i went to Home Depot and asked a group of male employees who I "needed to talk to about finding some caulk"...(say it out loud, you'll get there...).
Sunday: successfully navigated eating out while staying true to the meal plan (MUCH harder than you'd think). spent time with friends. loved the warm weather. enjoyed a much-needed Sabbath.

tlk

Detox: Week 3

Monday: woke up early to workout with my trainer/nutritionist. i was feeling MUCH better but after being in bed for the better part of 10 days, i was expecting to hobble through most of the workout. after we were done, my trainer said that she could tell that i am in good shape and that i "held my own". holla.
Tuesday: back to the grindstone. working hard on gaining weight.
Wednesday: have gotten to the point that my protein shakes taste like real chocolate milkshakes that i actually look FORWARD to drinking. this makes me want to celebrate and cry, at the same time.
Thursday: am noticing that the same food rules apply to miss dottie and me: no chocolate, no dairy, no alcohol. thank GOD i'm allowed to eat people food...and that i didn't have my uterus removed when i was 6 months old.
Friday: went shopping with a friend. as we were walking through Macy's...

Me: so...do i look any bigger (as i attempted to position my body in a way that made me look bulkier)?
Friend: Ummm....
Me: just say it.
Friend: not really. but you'll get there! for now keep modeling the sweaters for me; they look better on small people.
Me: (sigh)...ok

Saturday: worked out on the rowing machine at the gym. totally kicked high schooler's butt who was rowing next to me. it. was. awesome.
Sunday: the sun was out and it was not freezing outside. i opened all the windows, took miss d to the dog park, and spent the day enjoying life in a body that is feeling much more at peace.

looks like the detox/meal plan might not be the second worst decision i've ever made after all.

tlk

Detox: Week 2

Monday: woke up and could barely speak, called in sick to work, called my doctor who called in an antibiotic to the pharmacy. when picking up the prescription, also bought gummy multivitamins and chewable chocolate calcium supplements (to trick my body into thinking it gets 2 pieces of candy each day). started antibiotics...got raging diarrhea. awesome.
Tuesday: dragged myself into work, croaked out some words, mostly ate according to the meal plan, dragged myself home.
Wednesday: still sick...spent 5 hours at the doctor's office while they tried to figure out why my body wasn't responding to antibiotics. after scratching his head about 10 times, my doc finally said...

Doc: well...it might be a case of inhalation chlamydia...
Me: ex-CUSE me?!!
Doc: inhalation...
Me: yep, DEFINITELY heard you the first time. listen. to. me. i haven't even been in the same room with a man that i've found remotely attractive in over a year...so it's safe to say there's NO WAY i have chlamydia of any kind.
Doc: well, inhalation chlamydia isn't transmitted sexually.
Me: there has GOT to be a better name for it then...(lord, help me!)
Doc: i'm not saying you DO have it, i just don't know why you are not getting better...
Me: (sigh)...

he put me on a z-pack and lortab cough syrup. the z-pack helped a little. the lortab helped a lot ;)
Thursday: back to work again, haven't even thought about sugar in days, tried to eat 5 meals in spite of a non-existent appetite.
Friday: worked, throat still sore, keeping up with the meal plan, miss dottie had a major diarrhea blowout in the front office at work for which i got in MAJOR trouble...(jeez)...
Saturday: had dinner with friends and didn't feel like ripping everyone's heads off as i quietly watched them all eat dessert. progress.
Sunday: spent most of the day in bed sleeping and kicking the last of my throat virus in the butt, haven't craved sugar in days, glad that, in spite of a raging virus, i did not break the meal plan by eating any 'non-allowables'...(whew)...

more next week.

tlk

Detox: Week 1

Monday: got up at 9, started the food plan, worked out, ate, ate, ate...already sick of the food plan, I e-mailed my nutritionist to find out when I get a day off the plan. she e-mailed back: "in 8 weeks".
Tuesday: successfully fought the urge to steal a french fry from the Happy Meal a client left in my office while she went to the restroom...
Wednesday: watched the rest of the staff eat a big-ass chocolate cake while celebrating Dec/Jan birthdays, tried to rationalize how to document the cake as a serving of protein on my meal plan sheet, gave up and glared at everyone instead.
Thursday: i have absolutely no memory of thursday because i was thinking about cupcakes, McDonalds, ice-cream, and candy cane Joe-Joe's from Trader Joe's.
Friday: day 5 without sugar. was a complete bitch to the 16-year-old-just-doing-his-job dude at the movie theater who wouldn't let me take my nalgene of water in with me. went home after the movie, broke my diet and ate dried apricots dipped in nutella to take the edge off. it worked (thank GOD) and i slept like a baby.
Saturday: woke up feeling like someone had taken a razor to my throat. spent the day in bed nursing my sore throat and staying away from sugar.
Sunday: throat still sore, feeling some pain in my left flank...wondering if this is reason enough to quit the meal plan...

Pro's: drastic increase in energy level, sleeping better at night, feeding my body fuel instead of sugar.
Con's: I MISS SUGAR!!!...and my throat is sore...

Will keep you posted on week two.

tlk

Detoxification

     So...i'm doing a detox. and it is torture. I have been wanting more balance in my life and my eating, sleeping, and exercise habits are are all currently unbalanced. I am a night owl with *fairly* strong insomniac tendencies and my sleep schedule (or complete lack there-of) strongly affects my appetite, the food I eat, the energy I have throughout the day, and the amount of exercising I do. As you can imagine, these imbalances have created a significant problem over the course of this past year.

     My New Year's resolution was to restore order to my body, so 10 days ago I went to see my physician and met with a nutritionist. My physician reported that I am in good health, but emphasized that I need to gain some weight (story of my life). My nutritionist, on the other hand, rocked my world. The look of horror on her face as I rattled off my daily sleep/eat schedule should have clued me in to the fact that MAJOR changes were about to be imposed.

Major changes are as follows:
1. go to bed at midnight.
2. wake up at 9am...(no matter what time i actually fall asleep the night before).
3. cardio and resistance three times a week (which I already do, so no biggie).
4. eat an UNGOLDY amount of food everyday.

     I won't bore you with the details of the food plan, except to say that I eat 5 times a day and can't remember a time when I've eaten this much. AND here are all the things I can't consume for a minimum of 4 weeks: alcohol, dairy, sugar, corn (apparently it's all sugar), bananas and apples (yep, again the sugar) or anything processed. This knocks out about 90% of what I had been eating. Oh, but I CAN eat all the vegetables that I want. awesome. let the torture begin.