Let's call him 'Weird Dude'. Because that is what he is.
Totally freaking weird.
He showed up about a month ago while I was staining my back deck. I live across the street from a church with a fairly large lawn and I noticed a random guy sunbathing on the lawn in a chair pointed directly at my deck. He was wearing denim shorts, socks, and was drinking beer out of a pitcher. Every 20 minutes or so he would orgasmically yell out "Oh, it feels so amazing out here". i kid you not. i put on a pair of sunglasses so i could stare at him without being COMPLETELY obvious about it. Every once-in-a-while (*just* about the time I would bend over), out came his camera phone. i would bet money on the fact that he was taking pictures of me. Creepy McCreeperson.
I finished staining for the day and went inside. When I came back out to wash my paintbrush he was gone. I had no idea where he had disappeared to, or if he even lived in my neighborhood. I figured he may have been a random guest of someone on my block and decided to forget about it.
The next weekend came around. cue the Weird Dude. I was out on my deck potting some flowers and all of a sudden I heard, "Oh God, it's feels so good out here!!" I immediately froze. He had announced his return. Denim shorts, camera phone--the whole nine yards. I promptly went inside for the afternoon, but frequently checked on him from my kitchen window. Where did he come from?! Was he mentally insane?!! Why was he laying out in denim shorts?
so many questions.
Frustrated, I decided to do some reconn with my next door neighbor who seems to know EVERYTHING about everyone in our neighborhood, including the new "lesbian couple living two doors down", (he made sure to say in a whisper). I pointed out Weird Guy to him but he had never seen him before. We both just stood and stared across the street at him for a minute..."denim shorts," my neighbor whispered. "I know," I said, shaking my head.
Today, however, Weird Guy took things to a new level. Once again he showed up out of the blue, but this time he had ROLLED UP his denim shorts into a denim brief. (what could possibly be more uncomfortable?) Then he pulled a guitar out of nowhere and started playing TERRIBLE country songs that I'm positive he wrote himself. I left home to get a massage and run a few errands...and when I pulled into my driveway 3 hours later he was STILL there playing his guitar and singing at the top of his lungs. As I got out of my car I heard the lyric "kissing while the frogs looked on" and I almost peed my pants.
what. in. the. world.
I promptly went inside to get my camera. This needed to be documented. Typically, Weird Dude faces the direction of my house but when I got back from my errands he had his back to me. i still managed to score a couple good shots.
the denim brief
the horrible, awful singing
In spite of all my spying, once again, he managed to sneak away without me noticing. So, either there's a time travel portal in the lawn across the street that Weird Dude uses once a week...or I've got a serious problem on my hands. I was hoping the cicadas would eat him but they are all dead now, so there's that. I will be away next weekend so I will undoubtedly miss next week's performance, but I can guarantee you that the next time I see him I will be taking more pictures. and, of course, posting them on my blog.
Goodnight, Weird Dude, wherever you are.
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