I heart Sedona

     I flew home from Sedona today. It is good to be home (and good to be with Miss Dottie again). Yesterday I took the day to revisit my favorite places in Sedona, then I climbed to the top of a vortex to watch the sunset. A Native was chanting and playing his drum as the sun went down; it was one of the most peaceful moments I've had in a while. It felt like the red rocks were my companions as I said goodbye to Sedona. After the sun set I went back to my hotel, sat on the terrace and watched a heat lightening storm in the clouds. It was the perfect way to end my trip.

always hoping...

my trusty steed

goodbye...

cliff dwelling

     Today I took the scenic route from Sedona to Flagstaff. It's about a 30 minute drive through the mountains of Arizona. I rolled the windows down and listened to NPR the whole way. I was in heaven. I decided to go to the Walnut Canyon National Monument, which is the ancient home of the Sinagua Indians. The Sinaguas lived in cliff dwellings in the canyon and I got to see some of the preserved ancient ruins. I love learning about Native American culture, so I was curious to see how these people lived on the edge of a cliff.

     As I descended the 240 steps into the canyon I immediately began to sweat. big time. The first reason is that Flagstaff's elevation is 7,000 ft., which means there is 23% less oxygen in the air than I am used to at sea level. I thought I was in fairly good shape. Nope, not at 7,000 ft. The second, and more pertinent, reason for my extreme sweating is this: I am kind of a 'fraidy cat and have a *slight* aversion to heights. I kept envisioning myself tripping and falling off the edge of the cliff. Plus, I had a dress on, so if that happened people would DEFINITELY see my ass. Which, for me, would be way more embarrassing then falling off a cliff and rendering myself unconscious in the middle of a National Monument. Pretty sure I looked like a freak scooting around the cliff (on the cement path with a guard rail, mind you) trying to stay as far away from the edge as possible. I also think the park ranger made fun of me when I passed him. jerk. 

     But I have to say, the dwellings the Sinaguas made in the cliffs were remarkable. I can't imagine that being the landscape of my daily life. I would be a nervous wreck. My tribe would probably trade me for some decent pottery. I kept thinking to myself, "What about the toddlers? How many of them just toddled right off the edge of the cliff?" On my way back up the 240 stairs, I ran into the park ranger again and managed to have a conversation about the toddlers in between my pants and wheezes. He compared their cliff-dwelling existence to our present-day life where we navigate traffic and city blocks in order to get to our destinations; we adapt to our environment. I kind of think he's an idiot for comparing cliff-dwelling to traffic, but maybe that's just me and my issues with heights. 

     beautiful scenery. descended into a canyon and walked along the edge of a cliff in spite of internal misgivings. relaxing evening at the hotel. I'd say today was a good one.  

cliff dwelling (about 1/3 from the top)

closer...

ancient cliff dwelling (the walls are made of stacked 

rocks, plastered with red clay for insulation)

inside a well-preserved room (doorway leads to another 

room; each dwelling had multiple rooms)

Going to the mattresses...

     So today was definitely one of those days that can only be placed in the category of "WTF?" I started my day on a helicopter ride that went through the canyons of Sedona and got up close to the ancient Native American ruins that are in the Red Rocks. It was my first time in any kind of aircraft that isn't a commercial jet and it was amazing! I got to sit in the front seat (the co-pilot seat, if you will) and had a breathtaking view the entire time. It was well worth the time share debacle.
     Also on the helicopter was a couple (Eduardo and Sabrina*) in their late 60's. We made small talk and discovered they live in West Palm Beach, FL-- which just so happens to be where I was born and raised. We chatted briefly and then got on the helicopter. When the ride was over, I realized I didn't have cash to tip the pilot and the tour company wouldn't put a tip on my credit card. Eduardo stepped in and spotted me cash for my tip and when I asked how I could pay him back he replied, "Oh, just buy me a beer sometime." I thought he was kidding so I laughed and agreed as he walked out the door. When I went to get in my car, Eduardo and Sabrina pulled up next to me...

E and S: What are your plans for the rest of the day?
Me: (Dear Jesus, please don't let these people be weird swingers who want to kidnap me and make me a sex slave. Amen.) Uhhh...well...I don't really have anything planned. I was thinking about going to a state park or something...
E and S: Great! We have the whole afternoon and no plans...so let's do lunch and then see the sights...I mean, if it's alright with you.
Me: (repeat previous prayer)...Umm....
E and S: Remember, you owe us a beer...
Me: (Oh dear Jesus, what have I done?!!) Well, in that case....let's do it. How about you follow me.
E and S: OK, I'll follow you and Sabrina will ride with you. She's always wanted to ride in a smart car.
Me: (gulp)...alrighty...

     Although my mind was quickly shuffling through all the mug shots I have seen in late-night episodes of America's Most Wanted, I actually felt like these people were pretty harmless. And they were. We had a great lunch together (which they paid for) and I spent the rest of the day acting as their tour guide. It worked well for all of us--after traveling alone for 4 days, I was up for some company and they thought I was the bee's knees for showing them around. We used my Red Rocks State Park pass to hike and take pictures.
     The only thing is, I am *pretty* sure my new friends are somehow involved in the mafia. Now, I realize that may sound a bit dramatic. And those who know me well know that I have a bit of a paranoid streak (note: my previously mentioned fears about being kidnapped). But as the day unfolded I began to take note of comments made about Sabrina's "very Sicillian family", the four companies they own "for various reasons", a penthouse condo in Miami, commuting back and forth between Miami and New York "for business", the yacht they own in the Bahamas, the fact that they have "ways to find out anything about anybody...anybody," etc. etc. etc. When Eduardo referenced The Godfather at dinner, I almost peed my pants.
     But, if I know one thing about the mafia it's this: you want to be their friends WAY more than you want to be their enemies. So, I kept my thoughts to myself and we had a lovely afternoon. They took me to dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in Sedona and paid for my meal (which was at least $70 for my portion alone). At dinner, they told me they liked me, that they could tell I was a genuine person and they "like genuine people." Then they extended me an invitation to join them on their yacht in the Bahamas in December. Cha-Ching! I mean, who says no to the mafia?! Not me! So, I told them I would think about it and Eduardo replied, "Well, you never know what'll happen. We'll keep in touch and go from there." (Hmm, not really sure what that means...)
     We toasted the evening over dessert and wine, and when dinner was over they dropped me off at my car. We exchanged e-mail addresses (I figured they already knew my name so they could find out anything about me anyway) and they both kissed me on the cheek as we said goodbye. It was the weirdest most entertaining day I have had in a LONG time. wow. wtf?

More pictures from today:

me in my co-pilot outfit

ancient native building structure (in the shadow of the cove)

ancient markings that bear a striking resemblance 

to my initials. huh. what are the odds?

big sky

*names have been changed to protect identity...you know, in case they're involved in the you-know-what

more pictures...

Snoopy Rock (named for obvious reasons)

weirdest poop I ever saw (no, it's not mine!)

red dirt

wilderness

  
     I went hiking today. It was hot. way freaking hot. But it felt kind of good to be out in nature all by myself, which was surprising. Especially since there was a part of me that was a bit concerned about being kidnapped by a serial killer. But once I settled in to the hike my mind relaxed and felt the freedom to wander from thought to thought. And suddenly I felt like the hike was pretty metaphoric for this particular season of my life. It feels like I have been in the wilderness. And I have felt very much alone in the midst of it. And I have felt afraid of what will happen to me, which is a new thing. And I hate it. I hate feeling afraid.
     C.S. Lewis opens A Grief Observed with a confession: "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness." I find his words incredibly comforting and I find them to be true. Perhaps this is why I feel afraid for the first time in my life; I am feeling grief at depths I could have never imagined. Divorce feels like a death--the death of a relationship, of a shared life, of a future, of a hope, of much more than I have language for right now.
     I wish grief was just a feeling. For then I could count on the assurance that feelings pass, they move from one to the next. But I am finding grief to be a process. So even when my feelings change from sadness to anger to happiness, even, I find the presence of grief remains. And this is a royal pain in the ass. Because I am tired of grieving. I want to be done with it.
     But, for whatever reason, this season of grief continues. And so I will continue to walk in it. And be present. And wrestle with my creator, who could make it all go away in a second. But God doesn't. And it pisses me off. And I told God that on my hike today. I told him that it feels like he has lured me into the wilderness and left me there alone. I can no longer hear his voice and I am not sure if that is because I am not listening or I do not recognize his voice anymore or if he is being silent. Whatever the reason, I miss it. And the wilderness would feel a lot less horrid if I could just hear his voice again.
     And then a strange thing happened. I heard a noise to my left and as I turned I saw a rock, in the shape of a heart, sitting in a dead tree. And I began to cry. God drives me crazy! I could let my rational brain tell me all of the scenarios that could have taken place in order for this particular heart-shaped rock to be out of its place and in the branches of a tree. But I chose to let myself believe that God hears me. Even in the wilderness. And today, in that moment, I heard him too.

Sedona

    
     I have taken myself on vacation to Sedona, AZ for a week. After spending a summer at camp surrounded by kids 24/7 I decided to get away. And Sedona it is. I have come here to rest, to read, to write, to think, to take pictures, to look at rocks much bigger than me...and whatever else I want.
     By the by, I did go to a time share presentation today. Only because I was promised a free helicopter ride and jeep tour. Never been to a time share presentation before. Should have gotten suspicious when they continually asked me if i had come to Sedona alone ("are you SURE you didn't come with a significant other?") and made multiple comments about how young I was. Had to sit with a salesman for 90 minutes. 90 MINUTES! That's a long time to contain your vomit. In case you are wondering, I did not invest in a time share. I also do not recommend attending time share presentations. Ever. Especially if they promise you a free helicopter ride and a free jeep tour.

Here are a few pictures of things that have caught my eye so far...

Chapel of the Holy Cross

cactus

Life's a beach

      I was imputing pictures on my new laptop and I came across these from early this summer. Some friends and I went to Gulf Shores, AL for a long weekend. The oil had not gotten there yet and the weather was PERFECT. great weekend. The lovely Miss Dottie went with us. Dottie loves digging holes in anything she can get her paws on, but I'm usually around to quickly put a stop to it. On the beach, however, I let her dig to her heart's content. She was so freaking cute! I'm posting a family picture of the two of us (and a couple others). Miss Dottie and me at the beach. good times.

ctrl alt delete

     You should probably stop what you are doing because I have a MAJOR announcement to make: Approximately one week ago I retired my PC and invested in a mac. A MacBook, to be exact. Anyone remotely cool did this years ago, however, I have staunchly held on to my 10-pound-hasn't-worked-in-a-year-and-i-think-it-has-a-virus laptop like my life depended on it. It was a matter of principle. My PC took me all the way through grad school, a failed marriage, and two cross-country moves. I even carried it around in a weird purse like people do with their little dogs. It is probably the only thing I have ever been securely attached to.*
     I know I am constantly giving excuses for not blogging regularly, but the fact of the matter is I have not had internet access at home for the past year. All of my internetting was done in snippets at work or on a friend's computer. It was a total pain in the ass. So, tax free weekend rolled around and I bought myself a nice little gadget.
     The only problem is that I am COMPLETELY ignorant and incompetent when it comes to anything relating to technology. I can talk about immunology or attachment theory until your eyes roll back in your head, but I barely manage to navigate the in's and out's of updating my facebook account. It's a miracle I manage to post anything on this blog. Usually when the subject of computers or iphones (or anything relating to anything technological) comes up, I get a dazed look on my face and ask questions that most elementary students can answer. My friends are kind and they typically respond as a Kindergarden teacher would to the class moron: they lower their voices, draw out their words, and send me to the guidance counselor. Or they tell me not to worry about it because it has nothing to do with email.
     I have been in bed for the past week with bronchitis, which lends itself to WAY too much down time (and prescription-strength cough syrup with codeine...but that's another story). Mac could NOT have come along at a better time...except that being without the internet for a year kind of made me forget what it's for. I check my e-mail, update my facebook status (like anyone really cares, anyway), and check the celebrity blogs that I have been without for the past year. Aaaaaaannd...then I get that dazed look on my face and start the whole process over again because I can't think of what to do next. I divulged this pattern to a friend last night and felt so stupid I sent myself to the guidance counselor. It's not that I'm unaware of my incompetence. I am COMPLETELY aware of it. Like an Alzheimer's patient that realizes she doesn't know her words anymore, but can't do anything about it. awful.
     So, here is my simple request: HELP! Send me things that you like to do and websites you like to visit. Take me by the hand a lead me into the interweb. I am ready. I am waiting...

tlk

*nerdy psychology joke