Seattlite

sayonara

2011-06-13T23:54:00.001-05:00

The time has come for me to say goodbye. I know endings are difficult, especially when they are unexpected and ill-timed. For some of you, the discontinuation of this blog could be unsettling, perhaps enraging. and i get that. No one wants goodness to end.

However, Seattlite has run its course. It has been a good blog and has been my companion through many difficult seasons. but this will be my final posting on my Seattlite blog...

...because I have started a new one! I am no longer a Seattlite, I am a Nashvillian. I live in the Music City, not the Emerald one. And my blogging is taking a new direction, as am I.

if you are interested, you may now find my musings at: http://akounsage.tumblr.com/

thanks for reading along...and i hope to see you at my 'alternate location'.

adios amigos!
tlk

weird dude

2011-06-13T00:16:00.000-05:00

Sooo...there's this guy...

Let's call him 'Weird Dude'. Because that is what he is.
Totally freaking weird.

He showed up about a month ago while I was staining my back deck. I live across the street from a church with a fairly large lawn and I noticed a random guy sunbathing on the lawn in a chair pointed directly at my deck. He was wearing denim shorts, socks, and was drinking beer out of a pitcher. Every 20 minutes or so he would orgasmically yell out "Oh, it feels so amazing out here". i kid you not. i put on a pair of sunglasses so i could stare at him without being COMPLETELY obvious about it. Every once-in-a-while (*just* about the time I would bend over), out came his camera phone. i would bet money on the fact that he was taking pictures of me. Creepy McCreeperson.

I finished staining for the day and went inside. When I came back out to wash my paintbrush he was gone. I had no idea where he had disappeared to, or if he even lived in my neighborhood. I figured he may have been a random guest of someone on my block and decided to forget about it.

The next weekend came around. cue the Weird Dude. I was out on my deck potting some flowers and all of a sudden I heard, "Oh God, it's feels so good out here!!" I immediately froze. He had announced his return. Denim shorts, camera phone--the whole nine yards. I promptly went inside for the afternoon, but frequently checked on him from my kitchen window. Where did he come from?! Was he mentally insane?!! Why was he laying out in denim shorts?

so many questions.

Frustrated, I decided to do some reconn with my next door neighbor who seems to know EVERYTHING about everyone in our neighborhood, including the new "lesbian couple living two doors down", (he made sure to say in a whisper). I pointed out Weird Guy to him but he had never seen him before. We both just stood and stared across the street at him for a minute..."denim shorts," my neighbor whispered. "I know," I said, shaking my head.

Today, however, Weird Guy took things to a new level. Once again he showed up out of the blue, but this time he had ROLLED UP his denim shorts into a denim brief. (what could possibly be more uncomfortable?) Then he pulled a guitar out of nowhere and started playing TERRIBLE country songs that I'm positive he wrote himself. I left home to get a massage and run a few errands...and when I pulled into my driveway 3 hours later he was STILL there playing his guitar and singing at the top of his lungs. As I got out of my car I heard the lyric "kissing while the frogs looked on" and I almost peed my pants.

what. in. the. world.

I promptly went inside to get my camera. This needed to be documented. Typically, Weird Dude faces the direction of my house but when I got back from my errands he had his back to me. i still managed to score a couple good shots.

the denim brief

the horrible, awful singing

In spite of all my spying, once again, he managed to sneak away without me noticing. So, either there's a time travel portal in the lawn across the street that Weird Dude uses once a week...or I've got a serious problem on my hands. I was hoping the cicadas would eat him but they are all dead now, so there's that. I will be away next weekend so I will undoubtedly miss next week's performance, but I can guarantee you that the next time I see him I will be taking more pictures. and, of course, posting them on my blog.

Goodnight, Weird Dude, wherever you are.

The Birds

2011-06-05T22:29:00.004-05:00

I recently bought a pair of moccasins and took the weekend to break them in. Miss Dottie and I went on a long walk today and I wore my moccasins for two reasons: 1.) I like shoes worn and broken in, not brand-new looking. Plus moccasins are incredibly comfortable when they mold to your feet and I wanted to start that process ASAP. 2.) I have heard that moccasins made the footsteps of the Native Americans quieter as they walked through the woods, and I wanted to see if this would be the case for me as well. Result: The moccasins did not make my footsteps any quieter...but this may have more to do with the way that I walk more than the shoes. who knows?
What I DO know is that my moccasins led me to a bird's nest that had fallen from a tree. There it was, laying sweetly on the ground and I thought to myself, "Surely, this must be an omen of some kind...I mean, I'm wearing moccasins, for Pete's sake". I let Miss D investigate the nest before picking it up and walking home. All the way home, I got really excited imagining all that the nest could symbolize: a fruitful financial year, unexpected travel plans, an Indian Summer...who knows? I got home and promptly got on the internet to find out what my bird's nest symbolized and here is what I discovered:

Finding a bird's nest is "A much vaunted discovery, which later turns out to be illusory or worthless".

awesome. it gets even better.

"The 'proper' meaning has it that finding a nest is imagining that one has found something remarkable when in fact one has found nothing of the sort."

double awesome.

Yes, I was disappointed that the nest was not an omen guaranteeing me a big check in the mail, however, the more I thought about it, the more I realized this experience actually represents the way in which I live my life: I risk putting myself out on a limb, hoping that I am on the verge of finding something remarkable...but often end up with nothing of the sort. I can't even begin to describe how painful, at times, it is to live this way. especially in the midst of so much 'unremarkability'. You would think I would learn. You would think that I would climb down and sit in a Lazy Boy recliner and zone out and watch TV. But I can't. I'm just not built that way.

As I looked around one last time for something remotely positive that a bird's nest could symbolize, I found a page about birds that stated "In many cases birds symbolise your thoughts about the future and the possibility that something may or may not happen." Bingo. It's not the mere presence of the bird/nest/etc...it's what you do with it. When you dream of a crow it's generally seen as a bad omen; your deepest self is convinced that something bad is going to happen. When you find a nest at the foot of a tree, the ability to hope that it will lead to something good reveals a deep resiliancy and desire for things to be well. I have a heart that genuinely longs for life, for something remarkable. And it is because I have stood in the face of so much less than that that I am resilient. not cold. not closed up. but open to the possibility that as I (once again) inch out on a limb, this might just be the time that I find something truly extraordinary.

My Art History Professor always said to take pictures of a sculpture next to something for scale.

So, here you have the nest AND my moccasin.

All will be well,

and all will be well,

and all manner of things will be well.

- Julian of Norwich-

tlk

Hair of the Dog: #2

2011-06-05T20:01:00.000-05:00

I am Miss Dottie's hair stylist. I used to be her wardrobe stylist, but lately she's been refusing to wear clothing of any kind. It's kind of embarrassing, walking around with a naked dog. Anyhoo, it was definitely time for a hair cut and I have decided to include the before and after pictures of her dramatic make-over. Her hair had gotten so shaggy that her nickname went from 'little bear' to 'little billy goat' (note: her massive beard in the picture below). Again, very embarrassing. I have decided to include her internal thoughts underneath each picture:

"(sigh)"

"Momma's back! Whad'ya think of me now, cicadas?!!"

the gals

2011-05-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

I just spent a long weekend at the beach with some of my best friends and this girls weekend could NOT have been better timed or better executed. I have an unbelievable story to report involving an annoying stranger in a pink bikini, her "best" friend, too much beer, too much sun, a handful of geriatrics, and a large trash bag...but i'm too tired to write it all out so pictures will have to do for now.

the requisite stand-on-the-balcony-with-miss-dottie shot.

more to come.

tlk

Detox: Week 6

2011-03-10T00:14:00.000-06:00

a picture of me in happier times-- when i could eat whatever the heck i wanted.

boo. hiss.

basically, i was so pissed i lost weight that i didn't keep track of my meals in my "meal book" and i broke the meal plan two nights this week. i was sick of restraining myself from eating foods that i love AND losing weight.

not. good.

(note: the two nights i broke the meal plan i consumed alcohol, multiple servings of dairy, sugar, corn, and non-approved carbs...and both nights i ended up with a raging headache...also not good).

one of the nights i broke the meal plan i danced for close to an hour with a devastatingly handsome man...only to have my friend pull me aside and tell me he was wearing a wedding ring. auuuggghhh...apparently refined sugar affects my vision and gives me peripheral neuropathy. i promptly bid my dance partner adieu.

important things i learned this week:
1. when i break the meal plan, i feel like crap
2. i should probably stop trusting devastatingly handsome musicians who play lead guitar in a band currently on tour.

so, i'm back in the saddle.

hopefully i won't shoot the horse before the next week is over.

tlk

Detox: Week 5

2011-02-28T23:35:00.002-06:00

Monday: noticed my pants getting looser and looser...this could be due to the fact that either i need to wash them...or my butt is getting undeniably smaller...
Tuesday: tried looking at my butt in the mirror from various angles to verify its shrinkage. threw my neck out.
Wednesday: watched everyone at staff meeting eat a strawberry cake to celebrate february birthdays. felt grossed out by all the sugar they were eating. felt very self-righteous. felt my stomach growl. reminded myself that i don't even like strawberry cake in the first place. felt ambivalent.
Thursday: nothing significant to report. noticed this is not the first time nothing significant has happened on a thursday. wondered if i spend most thursdays in some sort of dissociated state...
Friday: met with my nutritionist for my 5 week weigh in. the results are a follows:

   right thigh: lost 1 inch
   left thigh: lost 1 inch
   hips: lost 1 1/2 inches
   waist: lost 2 inches
   current weight: 110...for a weight loss total of 6 pounds.
   emotional state: pissed off that after ALL the eating and weight
   lifting i've done, i LOST weight.

i think my nutritionist FINALLY believes me when i say that i have a hard time gaining weight. let's face it, i have a hard time just maintaining my weight without accidentally losing some every once and a while. she could tell i was pissed. i tried to use i statements in attempts to not blame her for the loss of 6 very precious pounds:

Me: I feel really frustrated that after all this work, i lost weight.
Nutritionist: (irritatingly energetic) Well, girl, we'll just need you to eat MORE!!!!!
Me: I am sick of eating. I already feel like it's a part time job.
Nutritionist: Well, do you have any suggestions??!!!
Me: I would like to eat chocolate milkshakes...and french fries...and peppermint Joe Joe's from Trader Joe's.
Nutritionist: Nope!!!!! We're gonna give you more PROTEIN, more CARBS, and i'll let you have dairy a WHOLE WEEK EARLY!!!!!!!!
Me: (i feel like strangling you)...would a chocolate shake count as a serving of dairy?
Nutritionist: Nope!!!!!
Me: i hate this.

So...more protein, double the carbs and add one serving of dairy each day. If that doesn't add some weight by the next weigh-in, she is going to put me on the same meal plan she puts men on for my body type. awesome.

Saturday: went to a cupcake decorating class...complete with cream cheese icing. contemplated eating a cupcake just to stick it to my nutritionist. worried about the sugar spike and crash that would inevitably follow eating that much sugar after going 5 weeks without it. drank a lot of champagne instead.
Sunday: ate, ate, ate, ate, ate....watched Anne Hathaway make a COMPLETE fool of herself hosting the Oscars. felt very self righteous. reminded myself that i never really liked Anne Hathaway in the first place. felt a little bit better.

until next week,

tlk

Kids say the darndest things: #3

2011-02-23T21:19:00.000-06:00

Kid: do you know who invented homework?
Me: ...i think it was a teacher who lived a long time ago.
Kid: i really wish i knew who it was.
Me: what would you do if you knew?
Kid: well, i'd get my dad to drive me to her house. then i'd shoot her.
Me: wow. you really don't like homework.
Kid: yep.

Kid: Do you know if owls live in Savannah?

Me: Georgia?
Kid: no silly, in Africa!
Me: hmmm...honestly, i have no idea if owls live in Savannah, Africa.
Kid: i'll ask my dad.

Detox: Week 4

2011-02-20T23:30:00.000-06:00

Monday: treated myself to a new haircut to compliment my new-ish body. i have to say, i feel pretty fabulous. AND i didn't eat one single piece of valentine's candy given to me throughout the day. miracles do happen.
Tuesday: went to dinner at Sonic with a group from work. in spite of multiple eyes rolled, i asked everyone at the table to describe (in great detail) what they had ordered...down to the hamburger toppings. then i salivated for approximately 30 minutes, non-stop.
Wednesday: noticed that multiple pairs of pants were baggy...hmmm...the whole point of this meal plan was to GAIN weight. i'm trying to tell myself that my body is getting lean...and that i don't really need to eat french fries and milkshakes in order to gain weight. but i'm gonna need to double check that with my nutritionist.
Thursday: nothing significant to report.
Friday: talked with a friend who sees the same nutritionist. she told me that the meal plan allows for 4 oz of red wine each day. this would have been wonderful news, except the fact that red wine turns my colon into a raging inferno. maybe i could have 4 oz of tequila/day instead. probably should run this by my nutritionist as well.
Saturday: while wandering the aisles at Trader Joe's looking for a particular meat item, an incredibly attractive Trader Joe's worker dude (IATJWD) came up to me and asked if I needed help with anything:

Me: Yes! I need help finding your sausage.
IATJWD: ...(pause)......(blink)......(pause)...
Me: (oh jeez)
IATJWD: ...(blush)......(pause)...
Me: you know, the chicken sausage with spinach and roasted garlic inside of it.
IATJWD: oh yeah! sure. that's in the refrigerated meat section. follow me; i'll show you.

we chatted for a few minutes and he told me all the different ways that he has "prepared the sausage". i barely held it together enough to speak properly. when he asked if i needed help getting a shopping cart, i thanked him, told him i already had one, and quickly scampered off. it was ALMOST as embarrassing as the time i went to Home Depot and asked a group of male employees who I "needed to talk to about finding some caulk"...(say it out loud, you'll get there...).
Sunday: successfully navigated eating out while staying true to the meal plan (MUCH harder than you'd think). spent time with friends. loved the warm weather. enjoyed a much-needed Sabbath.

tlk

Detox: Week 3

2011-02-13T20:51:00.002-06:00

Monday: woke up early to workout with my trainer/nutritionist. i was feeling MUCH better but after being in bed for the better part of 10 days, i was expecting to hobble through most of the workout. after we were done, my trainer said that she could tell that i am in good shape and that i "held my own". holla.
Tuesday: back to the grindstone. working hard on gaining weight.
Wednesday: have gotten to the point that my protein shakes taste like real chocolate milkshakes that i actually look FORWARD to drinking. this makes me want to celebrate and cry, at the same time.
Thursday: am noticing that the same food rules apply to miss dottie and me: no chocolate, no dairy, no alcohol. thank GOD i'm allowed to eat people food...and that i didn't have my uterus removed when i was 6 months old.
Friday: went shopping with a friend. as we were walking through Macy's...

Me: so...do i look any bigger (as i attempted to position my body in a way that made me look bulkier)?
Friend: Ummm....
Me: just say it.
Friend: not really. but you'll get there! for now keep modeling the sweaters for me; they look better on small people.
Me: (sigh)...ok

Saturday: worked out on the rowing machine at the gym. totally kicked high schooler's butt who was rowing next to me. it. was. awesome.
Sunday: the sun was out and it was not freezing outside. i opened all the windows, took miss d to the dog park, and spent the day enjoying life in a body that is feeling much more at peace.

looks like the detox/meal plan might not be the second worst decision i've ever made after all.

tlk

Detox: Week 2

2011-02-06T22:03:00.000-06:00

Monday: woke up and could barely speak, called in sick to work, called my doctor who called in an antibiotic to the pharmacy. when picking up the prescription, also bought gummy multivitamins and chewable chocolate calcium supplements (to trick my body into thinking it gets 2 pieces of candy each day). started antibiotics...got raging diarrhea. awesome.
Tuesday: dragged myself into work, croaked out some words, mostly ate according to the meal plan, dragged myself home.
Wednesday: still sick...spent 5 hours at the doctor's office while they tried to figure out why my body wasn't responding to antibiotics. after scratching his head about 10 times, my doc finally said...

Doc: well...it might be a case of inhalation chlamydia...
Me: ex-CUSE me?!!
Doc: inhalation...
Me: yep, DEFINITELY heard you the first time. listen. to. me. i haven't even been in the same room with a man that i've found remotely attractive in over a year...so it's safe to say there's NO WAY i have chlamydia of any kind.
Doc: well, inhalation chlamydia isn't transmitted sexually.
Me: there has GOT to be a better name for it then...(lord, help me!)
Doc: i'm not saying you DO have it, i just don't know why you are not getting better...
Me: (sigh)...

he put me on a z-pack and lortab cough syrup. the z-pack helped a little. the lortab helped a lot ;)
Thursday: back to work again, haven't even thought about sugar in days, tried to eat 5 meals in spite of a non-existent appetite.
Friday: worked, throat still sore, keeping up with the meal plan, miss dottie had a major diarrhea blowout in the front office at work for which i got in MAJOR trouble...(jeez)...
Saturday: had dinner with friends and didn't feel like ripping everyone's heads off as i quietly watched them all eat dessert. progress.
Sunday: spent most of the day in bed sleeping and kicking the last of my throat virus in the butt, haven't craved sugar in days, glad that, in spite of a raging virus, i did not break the meal plan by eating any 'non-allowables'...(whew)...

more next week.

tlk

Detox: Week 1

2011-01-30T23:18:00.000-06:00

Monday: got up at 9, started the food plan, worked out, ate, ate, ate...already sick of the food plan, I e-mailed my nutritionist to find out when I get a day off the plan. she e-mailed back: "in 8 weeks".
Tuesday: successfully fought the urge to steal a french fry from the Happy Meal a client left in my office while she went to the restroom...
Wednesday: watched the rest of the staff eat a big-ass chocolate cake while celebrating Dec/Jan birthdays, tried to rationalize how to document the cake as a serving of protein on my meal plan sheet, gave up and glared at everyone instead.
Thursday: i have absolutely no memory of thursday because i was thinking about cupcakes, McDonalds, ice-cream, and candy cane Joe-Joe's from Trader Joe's.
Friday: day 5 without sugar. was a complete bitch to the 16-year-old-just-doing-his-job dude at the movie theater who wouldn't let me take my nalgene of water in with me. went home after the movie, broke my diet and ate dried apricots dipped in nutella to take the edge off. it worked (thank GOD) and i slept like a baby.
Saturday: woke up feeling like someone had taken a razor to my throat. spent the day in bed nursing my sore throat and staying away from sugar.
Sunday: throat still sore, feeling some pain in my left flank...wondering if this is reason enough to quit the meal plan...

Pro's: drastic increase in energy level, sleeping better at night, feeding my body fuel instead of sugar.
Con's: I MISS SUGAR!!!...and my throat is sore...

Will keep you posted on week two.

tlk

Detoxification

2011-01-30T22:46:00.000-06:00

So...i'm doing a detox. and it is torture. I have been wanting more balance in my life and my eating, sleeping, and exercise habits are are all currently unbalanced. I am a night owl with *fairly* strong insomniac tendencies and my sleep schedule (or complete lack there-of) strongly affects my appetite, the food I eat, the energy I have throughout the day, and the amount of exercising I do. As you can imagine, these imbalances have created a significant problem over the course of this past year.

My New Year's resolution was to restore order to my body, so 10 days ago I went to see my physician and met with a nutritionist. My physician reported that I am in good health, but emphasized that I need to gain some weight (story of my life). My nutritionist, on the other hand, rocked my world. The look of horror on her face as I rattled off my daily sleep/eat schedule should have clued me in to the fact that MAJOR changes were about to be imposed.

Major changes are as follows:
1. go to bed at midnight.
2. wake up at 9am...(no matter what time i actually fall asleep the night before).
3. cardio and resistance three times a week (which I already do, so no biggie).
4. eat an UNGOLDY amount of food everyday.

I won't bore you with the details of the food plan, except to say that I eat 5 times a day and can't remember a time when I've eaten this much. AND here are all the things I can't consume for a minimum of 4 weeks: alcohol, dairy, sugar, corn (apparently it's all sugar), bananas and apples (yep, again the sugar) or anything processed. This knocks out about 90% of what I had been eating. Oh, but I CAN eat all the vegetables that I want. awesome. let the torture begin.

recent happenings

2010-12-18T23:46:00.004-06:00

Life has been busy. really busy. Which has been good....until i started feeling the crazy set in from too much busyness. They say pictures are worth a thousand words so, in lieu of writing a whole bunch of crap that would take a while to read through, I'm posting pictures of recent happenings.

enjoy.

best. halloween. costume. ever.

This costume is actually a friend's 7th grade dance costume.

Yep, i actually squeezed my 31 year-old ass into 7th grade spandex.

T-bone's still got it.

I started my Thanksgiving day off with The Boulevard Bolt, a 5 mile race in Nashville.

This is an action shot, of course.

(i am NOT the one wearing the turkey hat...in case you were wondering...)

My friend, Heather (who IS the one wearing the turkey hat in the above picture) and I wanted to have a low-key Thanksgiving. I had no interest in slaving away for an entire day making a meal for two people. I had recently acquired a collection of crock-pots (don't ask...) and thought it would be an interesting experiment to crock-pot our entire thanksgiving dinner. And crock-pot we did. It was amazing! After an hour of prep time the night before, I plugged in all four crock-pots before heading to the race on Thanksgiving morning...and voila! Dinner was ready by 3pm. genius. At this point, I am planing on crock-potting Thanksgiving dinner from here on out. I honestly can't think of a reason not to.

Thanksgiving Menu:

Organic Turkey with wild rice stuffing

Sweet Potatoes

Roasted Tomatoes

Roasted Asparagus

Fresh Cranberry Sauce (which, in full disclosure, was the only thing I cooked fresh on the stove top)

Chocolate Brownie Cake

........

I also bought a new mattress (my very first brand-spankin'-new mattress) in hopes of improving my insomnia. I didn't bother to include a picture of the mattress because that would be BORING. And if there's one thing this blog is not, its boring. The jury is still out on if the mattress is helping with my insomnia...(sigh)...

........

Here's a shot of Justin Bieber and me. It was the weirdest thing--I went to see a movie and there he was, right there in the middle of the concession stand area! He was really nice and posed for a picture with me. After this photo was taken, my friends started calling me a cougar...but that just makes me feel weird. I much prefer "totally-relevant-cool-enough-to-hang-with-j-beebs-kouns".

........

I have also recently started drinking gin...which feels a *little* bit like I'm cheating on my first love, tequila. I don't really know what to say other than, change isn't always a bad thing. don't i know it.

........

In the spirit of advent, I hope you are living your days in anticipation of a season of great joy.

All will be well,

and all will be well,

and all manner of things will be well.

tlk

Esperanza

2010-10-21T16:26:00.001-05:00

This past week I visited dear, dear friends in Esperanza, B.C. Esperanza is off the coast of Vancouver Island; it is remote...it is absolutely beautiful. There have been too many good things about the trip to share in this post so, for now, I will share some of my pictures with you:

More to come...

tlk

Hair of the Dog

2010-10-09T17:33:00.003-05:00

Attempting to improve upon Miss Dottie's current facial hair situation:

Apparently, she would prefer to stay with her current look. So I guess that means...

El Bandito

only in the south: part 1

2010-10-09T00:48:00.002-05:00

At the shoe repair shop today:

Me: I bought these vintage riding boots and when I got home one of the heels promptly fell off.
Old curmedgeon who repairs shoes: Well, that's whatcha get fer buyin' old shit.
Me: err...right.

Then he took my boots and repaired them for free.

only in the south...

lady in waiting

2010-09-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

My roommate took this picture to show me what Miss Dottie does when I leave the house. She camps out on the chair in front of the window that looks out onto the street. Apparently she assumed this position for well over an hour, waiting for me to return, after I left the house this weekend. It's kind of cute...but I also think it means we are running low in the dog toy department...

I heart Sedona

2010-08-25T00:09:00.000-05:00

I flew home from Sedona today. It is good to be home (and good to be with Miss Dottie again). Yesterday I took the day to revisit my favorite places in Sedona, then I climbed to the top of a vortex to watch the sunset. A Native was chanting and playing his drum as the sun went down; it was one of the most peaceful moments I've had in a while. It felt like the red rocks were my companions as I said goodbye to Sedona. After the sun set I went back to my hotel, sat on the terrace and watched a heat lightening storm in the clouds. It was the perfect way to end my trip.

always hoping...

my trusty steed

goodbye...

cliff dwelling

2010-08-23T01:28:00.003-05:00

Today I took the scenic route from Sedona to Flagstaff. It's about a 30 minute drive through the mountains of Arizona. I rolled the windows down and listened to NPR the whole way. I was in heaven. I decided to go to the Walnut Canyon National Monument, which is the ancient home of the Sinagua Indians. The Sinaguas lived in cliff dwellings in the canyon and I got to see some of the preserved ancient ruins. I love learning about Native American culture, so I was curious to see how these people lived on the edge of a cliff.

As I descended the 240 steps into the canyon I immediately began to sweat. big time. The first reason is that Flagstaff's elevation is 7,000 ft., which means there is 23% less oxygen in the air than I am used to at sea level. I thought I was in fairly good shape. Nope, not at 7,000 ft. The second, and more pertinent, reason for my extreme sweating is this: I am kind of a 'fraidy cat and have a *slight* aversion to heights. I kept envisioning myself tripping and falling off the edge of the cliff. Plus, I had a dress on, so if that happened people would DEFINITELY see my ass. Which, for me, would be way more embarrassing then falling off a cliff and rendering myself unconscious in the middle of a National Monument. Pretty sure I looked like a freak scooting around the cliff (on the cement path with a guard rail, mind you) trying to stay as far away from the edge as possible. I also think the park ranger made fun of me when I passed him. jerk.

But I have to say, the dwellings the Sinaguas made in the cliffs were remarkable. I can't imagine that being the landscape of my daily life. I would be a nervous wreck. My tribe would probably trade me for some decent pottery. I kept thinking to myself, "What about the toddlers? How many of them just toddled right off the edge of the cliff?" On my way back up the 240 stairs, I ran into the park ranger again and managed to have a conversation about the toddlers in between my pants and wheezes. He compared their cliff-dwelling existence to our present-day life where we navigate traffic and city blocks in order to get to our destinations; we adapt to our environment. I kind of think he's an idiot for comparing cliff-dwelling to traffic, but maybe that's just me and my issues with heights.

beautiful scenery. descended into a canyon and walked along the edge of a cliff in spite of internal misgivings. relaxing evening at the hotel. I'd say today was a good one.

cliff dwelling (about 1/3 from the top)

closer...

ancient cliff dwelling (the walls are made of stacked

rocks, plastered with red clay for insulation)

inside a well-preserved room (doorway leads to another

room; each dwelling had multiple rooms)

Going to the mattresses...

2010-08-22T00:49:00.006-05:00

   So today was definitely one of those days that can only be placed in the category of "WTF?" I started my day on a helicopter ride that went through the canyons of Sedona and got up close to the ancient Native American ruins that are in the Red Rocks. It was my first time in any kind of aircraft that isn't a commercial jet and it was amazing! I got to sit in the front seat (the co-pilot seat, if you will) and had a breathtaking view the entire time. It was well worth the time share debacle.
   Also on the helicopter was a couple (Eduardo and Sabrina*) in their late 60's. We made small talk and discovered they live in West Palm Beach, FL-- which just so happens to be where I was born and raised. We chatted briefly and then got on the helicopter. When the ride was over, I realized I didn't have cash to tip the pilot and the tour company wouldn't put a tip on my credit card. Eduardo stepped in and spotted me cash for my tip and when I asked how I could pay him back he replied, "Oh, just buy me a beer sometime." I thought he was kidding so I laughed and agreed as he walked out the door. When I went to get in my car, Eduardo and Sabrina pulled up next to me...

E and S: What are your plans for the rest of the day?
Me: (Dear Jesus, please don't let these people be weird swingers who want to kidnap me and make me a sex slave. Amen.) Uhhh...well...I don't really have anything planned. I was thinking about going to a state park or something...
E and S: Great! We have the whole afternoon and no plans...so let's do lunch and then see the sights...I mean, if it's alright with you.
Me: (repeat previous prayer)...Umm....
E and S: Remember, you owe us a beer...
Me: (Oh dear Jesus, what have I done?!!) Well, in that case....let's do it. How about you follow me.
E and S: OK, I'll follow you and Sabrina will ride with you. She's always wanted to ride in a smart car.
Me: (gulp)...alrighty...

   Although my mind was quickly shuffling through all the mug shots I have seen in late-night episodes of America's Most Wanted, I actually felt like these people were pretty harmless. And they were. We had a great lunch together (which they paid for) and I spent the rest of the day acting as their tour guide. It worked well for all of us--after traveling alone for 4 days, I was up for some company and they thought I was the bee's knees for showing them around. We used my Red Rocks State Park pass to hike and take pictures.
   The only thing is, I am *pretty* sure my new friends are somehow involved in the mafia. Now, I realize that may sound a bit dramatic. And those who know me well know that I have a bit of a paranoid streak (note: my previously mentioned fears about being kidnapped). But as the day unfolded I began to take note of comments made about Sabrina's "very Sicillian family", the four companies they own "for various reasons", a penthouse condo in Miami, commuting back and forth between Miami and New York "for business", the yacht they own in the Bahamas, the fact that they have "ways to find out anything about anybody...anybody," etc. etc. etc. When Eduardo referenced The Godfather at dinner, I almost peed my pants.
   But, if I know one thing about the mafia it's this: you want to be their friends WAY more than you want to be their enemies. So, I kept my thoughts to myself and we had a lovely afternoon. They took me to dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in Sedona and paid for my meal (which was at least $70 for my portion alone). At dinner, they told me they liked me, that they could tell I was a genuine person and they "like genuine people." Then they extended me an invitation to join them on their yacht in the Bahamas in December. Cha-Ching! I mean, who says no to the mafia?! Not me! So, I told them I would think about it and Eduardo replied, "Well, you never know what'll happen. We'll keep in touch and go from there." (Hmm, not really sure what that means...)
   We toasted the evening over dessert and wine, and when dinner was over they dropped me off at my car. We exchanged e-mail addresses (I figured they already knew my name so they could find out anything about me anyway) and they both kissed me on the cheek as we said goodbye. It was the weirdest most entertaining day I have had in a LONG time. wow. wtf?

More pictures from today:

me in my co-pilot outfit

ancient native building structure (in the shadow of the cove)

ancient markings that bear a striking resemblance

to my initials. huh. what are the odds?

big sky

*names have been changed to protect identity...you know, in case they're involved in the you-know-what

more pictures...

2010-08-20T19:53:00.000-05:00

Snoopy Rock (named for obvious reasons)

weirdest poop I ever saw (no, it's not mine!)

red dirt

wilderness

2010-08-20T00:16:00.002-05:00

   I went hiking today. It was hot. way freaking hot. But it felt kind of good to be out in nature all by myself, which was surprising. Especially since there was a part of me that was a bit concerned about being kidnapped by a serial killer. But once I settled in to the hike my mind relaxed and felt the freedom to wander from thought to thought. And suddenly I felt like the hike was pretty metaphoric for this particular season of my life. It feels like I have been in the wilderness. And I have felt very much alone in the midst of it. And I have felt afraid of what will happen to me, which is a new thing. And I hate it. I hate feeling afraid.
   C.S. Lewis opens A Grief Observed with a confession: "No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness." I find his words incredibly comforting and I find them to be true. Perhaps this is why I feel afraid for the first time in my life; I am feeling grief at depths I could have never imagined. Divorce feels like a death--the death of a relationship, of a shared life, of a future, of a hope, of much more than I have language for right now.
   I wish grief was just a feeling. For then I could count on the assurance that feelings pass, they move from one to the next. But I am finding grief to be a process. So even when my feelings change from sadness to anger to happiness, even, I find the presence of grief remains. And this is a royal pain in the ass. Because I am tired of grieving. I want to be done with it.
   But, for whatever reason, this season of grief continues. And so I will continue to walk in it. And be present. And wrestle with my creator, who could make it all go away in a second. But God doesn't. And it pisses me off. And I told God that on my hike today. I told him that it feels like he has lured me into the wilderness and left me there alone. I can no longer hear his voice and I am not sure if that is because I am not listening or I do not recognize his voice anymore or if he is being silent. Whatever the reason, I miss it. And the wilderness would feel a lot less horrid if I could just hear his voice again.
   And then a strange thing happened. I heard a noise to my left and as I turned I saw a rock, in the shape of a heart, sitting in a dead tree. And I began to cry. God drives me crazy! I could let my rational brain tell me all of the scenarios that could have taken place in order for this particular heart-shaped rock to be out of its place and in the branches of a tree. But I chose to let myself believe that God hears me. Even in the wilderness. And today, in that moment, I heard him too.

Sedona

2010-08-18T22:04:00.000-05:00

     I have taken myself on vacation to Sedona, AZ for a week. After spending a summer at camp surrounded by kids 24/7 I decided to get away. And Sedona it is. I have come here to rest, to read, to write, to think, to take pictures, to look at rocks much bigger than me...and whatever else I want.
   By the by, I did go to a time share presentation today. Only because I was promised a free helicopter ride and jeep tour. Never been to a time share presentation before. Should have gotten suspicious when they continually asked me if i had come to Sedona alone ("are you SURE you didn't come with a significant other?") and made multiple comments about how young I was. Had to sit with a salesman for 90 minutes. 90 MINUTES! That's a long time to contain your vomit. In case you are wondering, I did not invest in a time share. I also do not recommend attending time share presentations. Ever. Especially if they promise you a free helicopter ride and a free jeep tour.

Here are a few pictures of things that have caught my eye so far...

Chapel of the Holy Cross

cactus

Life's a beach

2010-08-15T23:27:00.000-05:00

I was imputing pictures on my new laptop and I came across these from early this summer. Some friends and I went to Gulf Shores, AL for a long weekend. The oil had not gotten there yet and the weather was PERFECT. great weekend. The lovely Miss Dottie went with us. Dottie loves digging holes in anything she can get her paws on, but I'm usually around to quickly put a stop to it. On the beach, however, I let her dig to her heart's content. She was so freaking cute! I'm posting a family picture of the two of us (and a couple others). Miss Dottie and me at the beach. good times.

ctrl alt delete

2010-08-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

   You should probably stop what you are doing because I have a MAJOR announcement to make: Approximately one week ago I retired my PC and invested in a mac. A MacBook, to be exact. Anyone remotely cool did this years ago, however, I have staunchly held on to my 10-pound-hasn't-worked-in-a-year-and-i-think-it-has-a-virus laptop like my life depended on it. It was a matter of principle. My PC took me all the way through grad school, a failed marriage, and two cross-country moves. I even carried it around in a weird purse like people do with their little dogs. It is probably the only thing I have ever been securely attached to.*
   I know I am constantly giving excuses for not blogging regularly, but the fact of the matter is I have not had internet access at home for the past year. All of my internetting was done in snippets at work or on a friend's computer. It was a total pain in the ass. So, tax free weekend rolled around and I bought myself a nice little gadget.
   The only problem is that I am COMPLETELY ignorant and incompetent when it comes to anything relating to technology. I can talk about immunology or attachment theory until your eyes roll back in your head, but I barely manage to navigate the in's and out's of updating my facebook account. It's a miracle I manage to post anything on this blog. Usually when the subject of computers or iphones (or anything relating to anything technological) comes up, I get a dazed look on my face and ask questions that most elementary students can answer. My friends are kind and they typically respond as a Kindergarden teacher would to the class moron: they lower their voices, draw out their words, and send me to the guidance counselor. Or they tell me not to worry about it because it has nothing to do with email.
   I have been in bed for the past week with bronchitis, which lends itself to WAY too much down time (and prescription-strength cough syrup with codeine...but that's another story). Mac could NOT have come along at a better time...except that being without the internet for a year kind of made me forget what it's for. I check my e-mail, update my facebook status (like anyone really cares, anyway), and check the celebrity blogs that I have been without for the past year. Aaaaaaannd...then I get that dazed look on my face and start the whole process over again because I can't think of what to do next. I divulged this pattern to a friend last night and felt so stupid I sent myself to the guidance counselor. It's not that I'm unaware of my incompetence. I am COMPLETELY aware of it. Like an Alzheimer's patient that realizes she doesn't know her words anymore, but can't do anything about it. awful.
   So, here is my simple request: HELP! Send me things that you like to do and websites you like to visit. Take me by the hand a lead me into the interweb. I am ready. I am waiting...

tlk

*nerdy psychology joke

Kids say the darndest things: #2

2009-12-15T15:10:00.002-06:00

kid: I had a real bad day today.
me: I wonder what made it so bad.
kid: I ran into a wall and it was really REALLY hard.
me: I bet it was (laughs)...that sounds like a bad day to me.
kid: (laughs) yep.

(one of the kids was singing Bootylicious by Destiny's Child as we walked down the hall)
kid: "I don't think you're ready for this jelly..."
me: what is she talking about in that song? what's jelly?
kid: (looks behind my back and points) That right there, your booty! You got jelly...for a white girl.
me: (uncertain if that was a compliment or not...) Is jelly a good thing?
kid: (laughs) yeah, as long as you shake it!
me: (laughs) well alright...

kid: my cousin say he don't believe in Santa no more.
me: you look upset about that.
kid: yep, but my momma said don't worry about it. She say kids who don't believe in Santa get broken toys for Christmas.
me: broken toys...
kid: yep, broken toys or nothin'.
me: I bet YOU still believe in Santa.
kid: sure do

passing notes

2009-11-24T09:03:00.001-06:00

I was at a friend's birthday party last night and chatted briefly with Matt Slocum. While we were talking I remembered that he wrote one of my most favorite song lyrics ever:

"Tension is to be loved when it is like a passing note to a beautiful, beautiful chord."

It was on a Sixpence album a while back but it comes to mind at least a few times a year. I wish I had written it but I am not sure I could have put words to that thought as eloquently as he did. I'm not really one for tension, for dissonance. Dissonance is defined as "a simultaneous combination of tones conventionally accepted as being in a state of unrest and needing completion." I tend to retreat when I sense that conflict is near. In my life tension has often led to brokeness instead of rest. The dissonance of this past year has been anything but loved; I have hated almost every single moment of it. But Slocum's words remind me that the beauty of a chord is fully appreciated when one has experienced the dissonance of its unrest. I find that I am restless, living in the midst of a tension that longs for relief. I think this is what it feels like to hope--to live in a way that anticipates something beautiful, to believe that one day the tight knot will loosen its grip.
t

Kids say the darndest things: #1

2009-11-05T12:18:00.000-06:00

I love working with kids. LOVE it. One of my favorite things about talking with kids are the random questions that they ask in the middle of seemingly normal conversations. Here are some of my favorites from this past month:

kid: Did your mom ever go to college?
me: yes she did.
kid: did she just graduate?
me: she graduated a long time ago.
kid: oh....did she go to college to learn how to be a cave-woman?
me: (OMG!!!...PLEASE don't tell me I look old enough to have a cave-woman for a mother!) No, she went to college to be a teacher.
kid: oh...well, I guess that's ok too.

kid: Do you watch TV?
me: yes I do.
kid: Do you watch Dora?
me: nope
kid: Do you watch sponge Bob?
me: no
kid: Do you watch cartoons?
me: not really
kid: well, what DO you watch--the news?
me: I watch shows about cooking and famous people.
kid: like Michael Jackson?
me: no, like Kristin Cavallari.
kid: who?!
me: errr...never mind...yes, I watch the news.

kid: Do you watch TV? (This seems to be a popular question)
me: yes I do.
kid: what do you watch?
me: (sigh)...the news...
kid: like BET?
me: ummm....you mean the channel with music videos on it?
kid: yep.
me: yeah, sometimes I watch BET.
kid: yeah, that's my favorite news channel.
me: (smile)

Yep, some of my favorites. And there's plenty more where that came from...
t

Makin' a comeback

2009-09-27T00:41:00.000-05:00

     So, clearly I have not posted in quite a while. 16 months, to be exact. While there are many reasons for this, it all boils down to the fact that my life has been an absolute shitstorm for the past year-and-a-half. When my life gets into shitstorm mode, I am prone to display hermit-like tendencies making it difficult for me to update the masses on my comings and goings. I won't begin to bore you with the minutia of all that has changed since my last post, however, I will say that the most significant update in my life is that I am in the process of getting divorced. I do not intend on discussing the details of the divorce in this forum, but I can say that this has been the most heartbreaking year of my life--and this includes the year that doctors found dientamoeba fragilis trophozoites floating around my large intestine.
     I am moving forward into a new season of life and already much has changed. In May I graduated from Mars Hill Graduate School, in July I said goodbye to Seattle and reloacted to Nashville, and in August I started a job working as a therapist/case manager at an elementary school in Nashville. Lots to get used to.
     One of the things I missed the most this past year was my ability to write. For the longest time I was unable to find words to put to my loss and confusion. I stopped journaling, I stopped writing music, and I stopped emailing and corresponding with many friends.
     But as my heart has begun to heal I find, once again, that I have things to say. Some of them are sad, some are angry, some are funny, and some still don't make much sense. I'm ok with that. I am greatlful for a handful of close friends who walked with me as I attempted to make sense of the unraveling that this past year has been. For those who have not heard much from me this past year, I am sorry I could not give you more and hope that you can understand my absence.
     That's all from me for now. I am excited to write and I am excited for you to read. So, here's to finding words. It's about time.

no pain no gain

2008-04-21T02:39:00.000-05:00

So, seeing's how our gym attendance has been waning this month, SJY and I decided to get up early on Saturday and attend a class at our gym. I get home from work around midnight, unwind for an hour or 2, then head to bed, so it takes a pretty big deal for me to get up before 10am. For some reason, I figured the 10:15 Center of Attention, taught by Fran, was reason enough. I assumed the class would be 30 minutes of various ab exercises that would motivate me to get in shape for bathing suit season. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I can't even begin to describe the experience we had in the class...but I will say that I never realize how out-of-shape I am until I attend a class with 12 other people who are bearing witness to my extreme out-of-shapeness. It was ridiculous. The class was not a 30-minute deal where we all did crunches on the floor. Ab-solutely not. The class ended up being what I like to call--Pilates on Crack.
Our instructor kept telling us to squat and take energy from the earth and give it to the sun (whatever the heck that means), all the while twisting and twirking my body in various positions. Eventually, my body was in such extreme pain that I gave up trying to look like I was keeping up with everybody else. I looked over at my equally miserable husband (who is less flexible than me--if that's even possible) and as soon as our eyes met, we dissolved into juvenile giggles in the middle of the quiet studio. I did my best to laugh quietly, but that's pretty much impossible when you're trying to suspend your body in mid-air.
On our walk home, we chalked the class up to a decent morning of entertainment and went on about our day. I headed to work but as the evening progressed, I noticed my legs and butt beginning to get sore. By the end of my shift, I was hobbling around like a frickin' geriatric. The next morning, I woke up and some kind of rigor mortis had set in in my legs. I'm not even kidding. After 2 days, I still don't have decent range of motion from my hips to my ankles. This poses a serious problem when attempting to walk. Not that SJY is doing any better. It's like we're living in a retirement community, hobbling around and complaining about our ailments 24/7.
I'm hopeful that in the next couple of days we'll be able to walk down the stairs without the fear of our legs giving out, the rigor mortis will subside, and I'll be able to quit comparing injuries with the old people down the hall. Oh, and in case you're wondering...I'm totally going back next week.

Broken

2008-04-07T21:19:00.000-05:00

So, what do you call it when your parents are married, but they don't live in the same city
and they don't talk to each other
and they don't love each other
and you can't remember a time when they actually did?

And how do you continue to listen as complaints are filed
and lines are drawn
and fingers are pointed
and denial is rampant?

And how are you supposed to deal with the fact that they have been at it like this for years
and the family is in a constant state of trauma
and there's no indication that things will be different
anytime soon?

t

little drummer boy

2008-04-03T21:20:00.000-05:00

So, I think it's safe to say that I have a pretty crappy track record with upstairs neighbors. In Nashville, my upstairs neighbor would bang on her floor (my ceiling) if I or any of my roommates used any water between the hours of 7-8:30am...which just so happens to be when 90% of America gets ready for work. I worked the night shift at the time and, without fail, right when I would fall asleep in the morning, the banging on my ceiling would begin. We actually had about 4 house meetings with her to address the 'banging', but we never got anywhere. Needless to say, she was an idiot.
Then, I moved to Seattle and had the unfortunate experience of living underneath 1 human and 2 pugs. All I heard, 24 hours a day, was the clickety clack of little pug toenails on the linoleum floor above me...and all night long the pugs would run back and forth, from one end of the apartment to the other, barking and wrestling until their owner dragged her drunk self home at 5am. I worked up the nerve and wrote a nasty note telling my neighbor that I had better things to do at 4am than listen to her pugs run around like wild banshees. Of course, I finally gave it to her a week before i moved out so it didn't do much good.
My current upstairs neighbor takes the cake. Apparently, he's learning how to play the drums. I hate to say it, but every day sounds like it's his first lesson. SJY and I were gonna give him a month before putting yellow post-it notes all over his front door with "You SUCK!" written all over them, but then we found out he was only 15 and we didn't want to be solely responsible for shattering his shalom. So now, usually about 3 or 4 days a week, we are privy to some of the most god-awful sounds that I have ever heard...the other day I think he was even playing along to a John Cougar Mellencamp song, which is just heinous in and of itself!
I'm currently home with the flu, and have not left my apartment in a few days. My whole body hurts, I'm blowing ungoldy amounts of snot out of my nose, and I'm exhausted. This afternoon Miss Dottie and I had just settled onto the couch for a little catnap, when all of a sudden...bam, chink, bam, bam, chink, thud, thud, (unrecognizable sound), bam, chink...totally ruined any chance of relaxation. The flu has turned my appearance into one that closely resembles Cruella Deville, so there was no way I was gonna go upstairs and kindly ask him to shut the f&%* up. There's no sense in traumatizing the poor kid. But I have decided that maybe the post-it notes weren't such a bad idea after all...

Newlywed Cooking mishap #57: The Monkey Bread Debacle

2008-03-25T01:38:00.000-05:00

Since getting married, I have been trying my hand in the kitchen in attempts to improve my cooking/baking skills. Much to the continued amusement of SJY, I have been more like a worthless Paris Hilton in the kitchen than the Giada De Laurentiis vibe I was going for. First there were the chocolate chip cookies that I made with course sea salt because I didn't have any fine-grained cooking salt. I figured, salt is salt, right? Wrong. The salt didn't absorb evenly into the cookie dough, instead every 3 bites or so, unfortunate taste testers would suddenly get a burst of waaay-to-salty nastiness. They were so bad I actually threw out the entire batch...SJY tried to fight me on it, but I'm pretty sure he was just desperate for a cookie.
There were also the chewy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that somehow came out as crispy as a triscuit, the banana bread that required an electric knife for slicing, the hockey puck yeast rolls...I mean, the list is endless, people. I've been insisting that I'm still getting used to a gas oven, but I think SJY is convinced there are bigger issues at hand.
Nonetheless, tonight was a mishap for the record books. I made yeast rolls for Easter lunch yesterday, and today decided to make monkey bread out of the leftover dough. I defrosted the extra dough all day, got a recipe off Cookinglight.com and anticipated the accolades I would receive for my award-deserving monkey bread. Keeping in mind all of the 'issues' I seem to be having in the kitchen (and the fact that I'd never actually made monkey bread before) I followed the recipe word for word.
The timer dinged, I pulled the soft, warm monkey bread out of the oven, and let SJY have the inaugural bite. I should have anticipated his immediate look of horror...

SJY: Ugh, this tastes like straight-up alcohol.
me: That's impossible--it's monkey bread! I told you this gas oven is unreliable!!
SJY: We could get full and drunk at the same time!
me: (sigh)

I took a bite and, sure enough, it tasted like I had just tossed back a shot of really nasty cough-syrup-flavored booze. I couldn't even hold back a grimace. I guess all the dough, sugar and yeast somehow combusted to make an alcoholic...umm...beverage?
In spite of another unsuccessful evening in the kitchen, I remain upbeat. I'm pretty sure I just created SJY's new favorite food: alcohol-infused-yeast-bread--his two favorite flavors melded into one. Although he currently won't go near the monkey bread, I'm sure that with a little tweaking, I could totally make it not taste like poison. I just need a little time...and an Easy-Bake oven.

Miss Dottie: after

2008-03-23T02:17:00.000-05:00

So, it seems that the dog grooming industry has become one of the biggest rip-offs that I can currently think of (second only to the ridiculous amounts of money that I have to pay in order to park my car in the city of Seattle, but that's another story). The cheapest haircut SJY and I could find for Miss Dottie was $40! That's more than I currently pay for a haircut (that may be hard to believe...but I've got connections), so SJY and I decided to buy a dog grooming kit for $40 and we figured that we'd get approximately 230 haircuts for Miss Dottie for the price of one at Petsmart.
Unfortunately, we soon figured out why sometimes it's just better to pay someone to do something rather than to attempt to do it yourself. We did OK on her body and legs, but somehow left her with a huge mustache and a Brazilian. Poor thing. Less than 3 minutes after we finished the 'haircut' she let us know what she thought of our work by taking a big whizz on the living room carpet. We really couldn't blame her for that one.
We're still not convinced that a $40 haircut is the way to go. SJY is convinced that our dog grooming skills will only improve with time. However, I'm afraid that if we continue to traumatize her, we'll have to shell out the big bucks to the freakin' dog whisperer or something. We'll see.
For now, here's what Miss D looks like. I still think she looks cute. Kind of. But I love her, and love is blind. Thank God.

Introducing Miss Dottie

2008-02-01T14:44:00.000-06:00

For my wedding present, SJY got me the best present in the entire world (note to self: remember to order SJY's wedding present). Anyway, Her name is Miss Dottie and she's the cutest puppy I've ever seen in my life! I realize everyone says that about their dogs, but I don't think anyone who looks at her picture could argue with that statement.
She was with the breeder in North Carolina until about a month ago, when we got her. She's a Yorkie-poo, so not only is she really smart, she is hypo-allergenic- which is a total bonus because dog hair all over everything makes me crazy. We got her when she was four months old, so we had to finish potty training her...which was a bit tricky since we live in an apartment in downtown Seattle and the only patch of grass in a four block radius is next door at the Shell station. Dottie has completely owned that patch of grass.
So, here's a picture of the lovely Miss Dottie so you all can drool and be jealous. It's bound to happen.

green thumb

2008-02-01T14:25:00.000-06:00

I grew a plant. seriously. While this may not be a big deal in most people's lives, I have not been able to grow anything remotely aesthetically pleasing since the mullet I sported in the 2nd grade. Ask any of my former roommates, and they'll tell you that I often buy little potted flowers with the best of intentions...and shortly after, death ensues. without fail. At first I under-watered the flowers and dried 'em all out. Then, in attempts to keep my flowers adequately watered, I ended up over-watering them and killing them that way. I assumed the more water the better...but flowers don't really work that way. I guess it's only humans that need 8 cups/day. oops...
Anyway, around Christmas time I was feelin' the botanical urge yet again, and decided to give my black thumb another chance. I bought an all-inclusive, fool-proof, bulb plant. The package came with a bulb, rocks, and a clear pot. All I had to do was put the bulb in the pot, cover it up with rocks, add water, and wait for a miracle. And ladies and gentlemen, a miracle is what I got.
So, In honor of my green thumb, I'm posting a picture of the flower/success story. In all honestly, I have no idea what the flower is called, I'm just happy it's not dead. That's a start.

wedding slide show

2008-02-01T14:15:00.001-06:00

So, our photographer is still working on editing our wedding pictures, but he did put together a short slide show of some of the pictures. You can view the slide show at www.kevinmilz.com/kouns Enjoy!

My heart will go on

2007-12-21T04:07:00.000-06:00

So, this past week marked the ending of an era, and I feel foolish that I let it slip by without proper acknowledgment. But better late than never. After 5 long years, Celine Dion took her bows in Las Vegas as her show A New Day ended its run at The Colosseum at Caesar's Palace.
Now some may find this incredibly odd (with the exception of my friend, Julia), but I have a surprising appreciation for Celine Dion. Yes, she's got some quirk in her, she's married to a geriatric, and has absolutely no idea how to dress herself properly for the red carpet, but the woman's got pipes. There's just no arguing that.
Anyway, somewhere along the line I promised myself that I'd make it to Vegas to see her show, but apparently I lost track of time, so I never made it. However, rumor has it that she's coming to Seattle next year, and I can guarantee that I'm taking myself (and dragging SJY) down to the Key Arena so I can weep in person as she sings It's All Comin' Back to me Now at the top of her lungs (and you KNOW she will).
So, peace out, Celine. See ya next year.

Crumbs

2007-12-21T02:33:00.000-06:00

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

Hope Is The Thing With Feathers by Emily Dickinson.

I've read through this poem quite a bit lately. I agree with Dickinson that hope is penetrating and insistent; we feel its presence even when we cannot find words to express it. Yet I find that I struggle with the last two lines of the poem. Dickinson seems to imply that hope simply "is" without asking anything of or from us in return. I disagree. Vehemently. I think that hope asks much of us. In fact, maintaining a posture of anticipation, of longing, of the not-yet often requires all that I am.

One of our administrators uses honey bees to illustrate this notion. I'll attempt to paraphrase- While the majority of the honey bees in a hive are maintaining the food supply or are droning about, roughly 5-10% of the honey bees are scout bees that forge ahead to explore new food sources and potential hive locations. When the food supply runs low or another queen takes over, the bees have a greater chance at survival because these scouts have already laid plans to relocate. The entire future of the hive depends on their dedication. However, the job of a scout bee is very dangerous as they are exposed to the elements of nature; many die as they search. Scout bees live in a way that continually hopes for something different and new. While their labor allows the hive to survive and bear fruit, the work of these brave bees is dangerous and asks much of them.

All that to say, I think hope asks more of us than we like to think. It's not merely a tune we hear in the background of our lives. It is, rather, the thing deep down inside all of us that begs us to live in the midst of longing, anticipation, and desire for something new. While hope is the thing that sustains life, it requires that we not only give crumbs, but that we give of ourselves. And that is asking a lot.

the beautiful left coast

2007-11-19T23:04:00.000-06:00

I was just looking through through some random pictures and found this one of a Seattle sunset. We have some of the most beautiful that I've seen, so I thought I'd share it with you.
Enjoy

Gettin' Hitched

2007-11-19T22:49:00.001-06:00

So, about a month ago I got hitched. SJY and I got married in Nashville, and I have to say the wedding was absolutely beautiful! People keep telling us the evening was like something out of a movie...and I have to say that I agree. The ceremony was outside by candlelight. The bridesmaids (pictured to the left) carried lanterns and there were teeny tiny candles hanging from all the trees. It was beautiful.
I was pleasantly surprised at how good everything looked, as most of my planning was done from across the country. I'll post a picture of SJY and I together in our wedding attire as soon as I get my hands on one.
SJY and I are back to the grind of school and work. We're busy busy, so we're looking forward to Thanksgiving, when we both have the day off. I'm gonna make my famous mashed potatoes and my ultra famous sweet tea. These Seattlites haven't lived until they've had my sweet tea. It's got enough sugar to grow a nasty mouth fungus, if you're not careful. Luckly, I am.
That's all for now. Hope you all are having a wonderful season of thanks-giving and are taking time to rest and be with the ones you love.

TLK-Y

Smells like Fall

2007-10-06T22:30:00.001-05:00

So, it's fall and I'm happy. I've decided that fall is my favorite season of the year. It took me a while to settle on it, but I finally made it official this past week. And by "official", I mean that I keep gushing about how much I love fall to SJY, friends, and to total strangers in Rite Aid for that matter.
Being a native Floridian, growing up I had always thought that fall was this ugly, sort of depressing time where you got to watch everything die...and then were forced to rake up the remains from your front lawn. Since moving from Florida to more northern areas of the country, however, I have to admit that I have been romanced by the autumn season. I get excited when I see fall colors in display windows, I have at least 2 or 3 pumpkin spice candles on hand at all times, and instead of coffee, I actually order caramel apple ciders from Starbucks all year-round. I'm not kidding. Even as I write, I'm bundled up, sitting by the gas heater sipping a hot chocolate wondering how I can incorporate fall more into my home decor. SJY put a stop to the branches of berries I brought home the other day, but I'm waiting him out on this one.
Maybe it's the crisp air that I find invigorating, or perhaps it's the beginning of a new school year, complete with freshly sharpened number two pencils, that stimulates the nostalgic recesses of my mind. But I think more than meteorology or new school supplies, fall signifies, for me, a season of change, of transformation, of the possibility for something new. Perhaps it is fitting that my wedding will take place during this time. As I approach becoming a wife and all the change that that will bring, I find that I am comforted by the companionship of this fall season. We are both in the midst of a great transformation.

Top 10

2007-09-23T14:38:00.000-05:00

So, once again it has been a while. While I have been meaning to post more frequently, time has slipped away from me and it has been 5 months since I have last written. Here are the bullet points of some of the bigger events that have taken place in my life since this past May:

1. Closed on my house and found renters to occupy it...truly, one of the most stressful experiences I have ever been through.
2. Got a raise at work (thanks to the union I'm forced to be a member of)
3. Moved downtown to lower Queen Anne.
4. Received $150 in parking tickets in the 6 weeks that I've been a resident of lower Queen Anne.
5. My car got broken into AGAIN and my cell phone got stolen (the Seattle welcome wagon continues)
6. I was released to go back to part time nursing--I work 4 hour nursing shifts and then do computer work for a couple hours.
7. In spite of being released to go back to work, I've developed tendonitis in both wrists for which I get cortisone injections and go to physical therapy.
8. Went to the lavender festival in Sequim, WA with my mom in July
9. Developed a fairly intense obsession for lavender that has only recently begun to subside.
10. I got engaged (gasp!)

Thought I'd save the best for last. Yep, it's true. SJY and I are finally gonna tie the knot. We're not sure if this means we're completely crazy, or that we've made the best decision of our lives. I'm pretty sure both are true--and that he's probably crazier than I am.
We're getting married in Nashville on October 26th. It feels a bit surreal, almost like it's not really happening to me. We started pre-marital counseling this past week, so it's sinking in fast that it's happening to me. Most of the big things are taken care of, so now we're ironing out all the little details that come with getting married...like where the heck we're gonna do with SJY's MXPX posters when he moves in. I've offered to make him a nice little binder full of all his posters that he can pull out and look at any time he wants. Not sure he's totally going for it at this point.
I feel like we could be in one of those kitchen ads where they show two totally different people, like chic meets punk rock, and they end up with great looking kitchen appliances that meet both people's needs and standards. Not that we have a great looking kitchen, at this point--we're still in the remodeling phase. I'm just saying, I feel like that's a pretty good metaphor for two people becoming one and it not being a major disaster. That's what were pulling for. I'll let you know how it goes.

TLK

negligence

2007-05-21T16:47:00.000-05:00

Okay,
I know I promised in my last post to update more frequently, but let's get real--it takes me a while. I've accepted it, so stop shaming me. In lieu of apologies, I've decided to throw out the major life events that have happened most recently, and I will attempt to expound on them more at another time. Hopefully sooner than later.

the major events are as follows:
1. bought a house in Nashville this past weekend. Yes, I know I live in Seattle, but I'm planning on returning to Nashville and real estate is getting ridiculous there. If I don't buy now, the only thing I'll be able to afford in a couple years is a double wide...not that there's anything wrong with that...
2. The wrists are still healing. I am still on light duty and still hating it. Hopefully my doc will give me the go-ahead this week to return to nursing. If not, I may be writing my next post from a mental institution. Here's hoping...
3. Started summer classes. Yep, only a week off between spring and summer. Ain't life grand. I have class through the month of June. July and August will be spent enjoying the social life that I have had to put on the back burner this past year.
4. I recently started taking probiotics to make my intestine healthy. I affectionately call them my 'bugs'. I take approximately 4 billion bugs each day- in pill form, of course. This ain't Fear Factor. And no, 4 billion is not a typo.

Alrighty, I can't think of anything else major. Everything else is pretty much same old, same old. Hopefully this will give you a good idea of what has been going on with me lately. I'm hoping to post at least every couple weeks from now on but, again, let's get real. It may take me longer than that.

Until then, I remain affectionately yours,
TLK

the comeback kid

2007-04-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

I have returned.

Actually, I've been back for a while, but I just keep forgetting to update my blog. That's the problem with starting a blog or a mySpace account-- you have to maintain the stupid thing. I'm the greatest at maintaining, but after suffering severe emotional abuse from various/numerous friends over my lack of recent postings, I finally remembered to write a new post.

As for the surgery, it went very well. The doctor said that my wrist cartilage wasn't completely torn, but the joint capsule was inflamed and frayed all around the edges. He went in and 'cleaned things up', whatever that means. I go to physical therapy once a week and still wear my brace like a champ. Actually, next week I will start 'brace weaning'...YIKES! I'm no longer on pain meds...but life was good when I was.

In other news, my computer has recently come down with a Trojan virus. I really have no idea what that means either, other than it's costing me about $200 to repair. I'm pretty sure I'm getting completely screwed over by the Geek Squad at Best Buy (definitely no pun intended), but with my limited computer knowledge and my severe anxiety at the thought of being apart my my laptop for any extended period of time, I reluctantly relinquished my computer to them a few days ago. I should be back up and running on my own laptop on Friday. Here's hoping...

I have many more things to post, but I'm currently downtown and heading to the sculpture park next door to school. It's actually sunny today, so I fully plan of getting a large dose of both ultraviolet rays and vitamin D. Can't get much better than that.

I promise I will post again soon. I know I promised that my last post, but this time I really mean it.

TLK

Under the Knife

2007-02-26T02:02:00.000-06:00

Well, the day has finally arrived!

In approximately 8 hours, I will be checking in for surgery. Three months ago, I wripped my TFCC lifting a patient at work, and after three long months of wearing a ridiculous velcro-brace contraption, I am finally going under the knife.

I work at a children's hospital, so the patient I was lifting was actually not that heavy (only about 50 lbs), but I was at the wrong angle, there wasn't communication about the lift, and voila!...a wripped TFCC.

I've been on 'light duty' for the past 6 weeks or so, and I've come to realize that 'light duty' is just code for TORTURE. I've been doing date entry...in a cubilce...with one hand...for six weeks. Office Space comes to mind. I think I even submitted a TPS Report or two...

I'm built for interaction with people, for patient care...not Excel. It has really been a royal nightmare. My data entry boss asked me the other day if doing light duty has been beneficial for me in any way, other than psychologically. I wondered how to break the news to her that this light duty stint has been anything BUT psychologically beneficial. But, I bit my tongue and mumbled something about how light duty has made me feel like I'm still contributing to the big picture...or something.

My latest light duty assignment has been to confirm data about all the 2006 mortalities that took place either in the OR, or up to 48 hours post-op. Yep, NOT comfoting to read about things that have gone wrong as a result of surgery as I count down the days to my own OR encounter. So, tonight I had a good meal and a stout drink...or two...so that I don't go to sleep with visions of a large metal spatula left in my wrist post-op.

So, that's the latest. I'll probably be under the influence of some decent pain meds for a bit, so I will be out of comission for a few days (not that I'm complaining). I'll post again when I'm on the road to recovery.

OK, goodnight all.

The Bald and the Beautiful

2007-02-19T16:28:00.000-06:00

So, I'm sure by this time you all have either heard about or have seen Britney Spears' new hair do. On the off chance that you've been living under a rock and haven't seen the evidence, take a long look at at the disturbing picture to my left. You can join the masses that are wondering when this poor girl is gonna stop making an idiot out of herself for all the world to see.

Now, while some may see this move as a serious career buster, I have come to the conclusion that the former pop princess just might have something else up her sleeve...er skanky tank top.

While many celebs spend thousands of dollars making sure their manes are fit for public appearances, there is a select minority that has done quite well for themselves being bald in Hollywood. I have taken the liberty of highlighting just a few of the many bald and beautiful individuals that have forged a path using nothing but the glare from their disturbingly shiny heads.

Take our dear friend, Mr Clean. While he looks like he shines his dome using the very same products he promotes, I have to say he's got the bulging biceps of a Gold's Gym personal trainer. I sure wouldn't want to come face to face with him in an arm-wrestling match. But I would be interested in borrowing his earring for this great nautical shirt I've got...

We all remember the Coneheads. These weird aliens taught us that it's not the freaky things on top of our heads that matter but, rather, the heart is the tie that binds. They taught us about life, love, and teamwork. But I have to admit, it's one of the most annoying movies I've ever seen.

Then we have Mr. Bigglesworth. If this doesn't make you want a kitty, I'm not sure what will. Look at how cute and cuddley this little guy is! Reminds me of when I used to cut my sister's Barbi Dolls' hair trying to get them to look like Lady Diana...and they all just ended up looking like freaks...(sigh)

Last, but certainly not least, we have our national mascot, The Bald Eagle. This is an example of a serious bald bad-ass. I sure wouldn't want to run into him in a dark alley. He could probably even take down Mr. Clean.

So, there you have it. Dry your eyes, Brit Brit. Even though the majority of the country thinks you have done lost your freakin' mind, you're dangerously close to loosing your kids to K-Fed, and you've blown your shot at ever being BFF with Madonna, look on the bright side--as a baldy, you're in good company. And with the bald eagle as your ally, I'm sure you won't have to worry about the pesky paparazzi for much longer.

the ugly cry

2007-02-18T14:33:00.000-06:00

So, here it is: my inagural blog.

I have to admit, I've been quite resistent to this whole blog thing. I've managed to ward off MySpace, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time...

Anyway, there's something about the idea of one putting one's thoughts down for anyone and everyone to look through or comment on that gives me the creeps. Maybe it's becuase my own thoughts often give me the creeps. But today, for whatever reason, I decided to begin writing my thoughts for others to see. Maybe this will only feed the voyeuristic appetites of the masses. Maybe I'm assuming way too much.

Or maybe writing is a way of confessing. Maybe it is my way of confessing. Regardless, today I feel the need to confess. I confess that I am having a very hard time grieving. I was in church this morning and for the entire 60 minues, or so, I was fighting the urge to weep. Now, I'm not referring to the weeping of a beautiful maiden waiving goodbye with her beautiful hankercheif to her beautiful love as he sails off into the beautiful sunset to fight the beautiful battles of the new world. That is weeping reserved for Lifetime Original Movies or Jane Austin novels. No, I am referring to something called the 'ulgy cry'; this is the swollen-eyed-snotty-nosed-can't-quite-catch-my-breath-beacuse-I'm-crying-so-freaking-hard-and-I-don't-think-I'll-ever-stop cry. Hopefully I'm not the only one who has experienced this.

It takes a lot of self-control to ward off the ugly cry. Part of me felt very proud of my self control. After all, who wants to look like a freak show in an mid to upper class Presbyterian church packed to the gills with people? Who wants to look like they need a major intervention, or minimally a sedative? Who wants to look like they need? Not me.

"I don't want to be needy! Who wants to be around needy people?!!" I angrily asked my counselor a few weeks ago. "Who really wants that?"
"Jesus," he said softly.

I felt the wind knocked out of me, and again found myself fighting the urge to weep.

I have not let myself need for a long time. I have grown up despising my need, for my need has left me wanting. I know that I need, but I do not let myself feel the extent of my need. Instead, I get a bachelors degree in nursing, and a masters in counseling, and spend my life tending to the needs of others. Maybe that's a way of tending to mine. Maybe it's a start. Hopefully there will soon come a day where I am not tending to my needs in the third person.

I am hoping for the day that I free myself to grieve and cry the ugliest cry I have ever known. I hope this day comes soon. For it is there, in the midst of my undeniable need, that I will know the true love and grace of Christ as he holds my tears in his hands and calls them beautiful.